Category Archives: Thoughts

It’s been a while…

…and I miss uni so much! I don’t miss the lectures or the long dull essays but I do miss the people, the silly societies, the events and the fun creative assignments. Of course, there’s still plenty of creative stuff to get on with. Am working on three novels. One is being edited, the other is a fantasy epic whilst the other is a much shorter children’s book that I am writing for my little sister. Hopefully I’ll have it finished before she’s too old for it. I also plan to audition for a Vicar of Dibley play which is exciting but terrifying all at once. It’s been ages since I did any public speaking and even longer since I did any acting. Deep breaths…

Still haven’t found what you would call a proper job. I work part time in a kitchen but have applied for some jobs more suited to me and have an interview next week. Only problem is, it’s in Ipswich. Never even been there before. So here’s hoping I don’t get lost. As for graduate jobs, I’m keeping my eyes open and applying for paid internships. My ideal career would involve a lot of freelancing so am setting up my own projects. The first is a new website where I review books and write articles about writing.

Any exciting news in my life right now…not really, except!!!! I must tell you of this most amazing drink. Get yourself some white hot chocolate, pour in a dash of milk, stir, then add two small spoons of vanilla syrup, stir, hot water, stir (lots of stirring) and you get a heavenly drink resembling hot melted milky bars. Mmmmm!

Creeps on the Street

Why can’t we all just be polite to each other and treat people like actual human beings, regardless of gender? I can’t be the only one who’s fed up of being harassed in the street and being scared to walk alone at night. It’s summer now and I find myself hesitating whether or not to wear dresses and shorts just because I’m sick of guys whistling at me and pestering me. I feel this need to cover up, even when it’s sweltering hot. Not that it seems to make a difference what I wear. And for those who say this sort of attention should be taken as a compliment – IT’S NOT. It’s just creepy. I am able to tell the difference between someone who’s paying me a sincere compliment and someone who’s just sees women as objects. Street harassment happens way too often and happens to too many people. It might not seem like a big deal but it sure is bloody annoying. In this past week, I have had three different guys pester me in some way. Just a stupid comment here and a wolf whistle there. Even when I’m just being my normal scruffy awkward self! Don’t get me wrong. On the whole, the men in my life are caring and intelligent. There are just a few guys out there who need to change their attitudes. I thought I would share this video because this girl can explain things so much better than me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peBddZQbWYk

Things that may happen on a Drama course…

  • You may freak out your flatmates as they overhear you rehearsing and have to convince them that you aren’t as insane as you sounded.
  • You may cover yourself in a strange combination of liquids, all for the sake of ‘art’.
  • On a good day, you’ll think you’re sooooo smart just because you are surrounded by books about philosophy, history, psychology, culture and more!
  • But then you remember that the other day you were pretending to be a wild animal and some people were getting so into it that they actually tried to sniff your bum. And then you cringe some more as you remember that you actually hissed back at them.
  • But what about all these intellectual debates? The ones which go on forever and it turns out in the end that nobody really believed in what they were arguing for in the first place.
  • You might find that some drama exercises result in tears because you went too deep into your own brain.
  • Then again, some days you’ll be back to shouting at curtains and walls and wondering what the hell you are even learning.
  • You will question your sanity, especially when you’re pretending to be escaping from a crocodile in a sewer.
  • You might be told that you make a beautiful dead body and not be sure whether you were being complimented or insulted.
  • You may spit ketchup all over the person who is marking your performance (but that might just be me).
  • You will wonder if your degree will be worth anything.
  • You may realise that acting is one of the silliest things you can do and that it doesn’t really make any sense. But you’ll still love it.
  • You’ll laugh a lot, cry a bit and bash your head against the wall. But you’ll have a lot of fun and wonder where the time went.
  • Jazz hands.

noo

You don’t like clubbing? Oh, you must be boring!

Who else has heard this? Well, not in those exact words but it’s close enough. Isn’t it so annoying? Here’s the other side of the argument. It’s been on my mind for some time.

Clubs aren’t for everyone. Personally, I find the majority of the music played in them is terrible and that the place normally stinks. On numerous occasions, I have found myself separated from the people I came out with, left getting hit on by some creep who won’t take no for an answer.

“Please don’t get offended.” This is what I have often wanted to say to well-meaning people who have tried to get me to go clubbing with them. It’s horrible when people act like it’s personal. It used to make me feel so guilty because I so badly wanted to get to know them but I just couldn’t stand the thought of going to a club, yet again!

What’s so fun about getting puked on, cutting your feet on broken glass, having men look at you like a piece of meat, wolf whistling and grinding up against you. I don’t find this behaviour attractive at all. What’s wrong with actually getting to know people?

This doesn’t happen every time, but then other times, I’ll just be bored and gradually be getting a headache from all the lights and noise. I hate coming back from a night out and having such bad tinnitus that you can barely hear anything.

I’ve tried to explain myself before but people just used to tell me that it would be more fun if I drank. But I do and it makes no difference. Give me a pub any day. They have way more atmosphere. Plus, pool tables! I am still terrible at pool by the way.

And to those who say I’m missing out by choosing not to go clubbing and that it’s what university is all about. I have to disagree. I did not come to university thinking it was going to be one big party and just because I don’t go clubbing, it doesn’t mean I haven’t had my fair share of weird/crazy experiences. But then again, I am a drama student…

University is also about broadening your horizons, figuring things out and becoming a more well rounded and confident person. I’m not saying that you can’t do both: party hard and acheive. That would be stupid. But don’t you wish people understood? Everyone is different and just because they don’t like what you like, doesn’t make them boring. To anyone whose ever moaned at me for this, try getting to know me and then you’ll see that I am in no way dull. Can you just accept me, and other non-clubbers, for who we are rather than insulting us?

Thanks,

Amy x

Warning: Angst

Hi there! I I’ve wanted to write about this topic for a very long time but have never been able to find the right words. I should warn you that I talk about some personal things and I know that some people get annoyed by this sort of blog. So if you don’t like reading posts like that, then I suggest you stop reading now. If you don’t mind, then here goes…

Why do bullies bully? Is it because they learned that behaviour from parents, siblings or other family members? Do they have problems at home? Does this make them angry with no way of being able to express this anger? Maybe they’re just bored. In the case of bullying (and some people may accuse me of being too nice here), help should be given to both the one doing the bullying and the victim. There are two sides to every argument. Of course, victims tend to get the most acknowledgement. They’re seen as the vulnerable ones but I think those who do the bullying can be just as vulnerable. That’s not to say that they shouldn’t be disciplined for their behaviour but I even feel bad referring to bullies as bullies because not all of them remain that way throughout life. For instance, children who pick on others will probably change their ways as they grow up and realise how wrong their actions were.

I understand this is not always the case and I am not taking the side of the bully. All I’m trying to say is that they should be helped just as a victim is. Still, victims aren’t always given the help they need. Growing up, I always got the sense that the schools didn’t care what went on. They had the opinion that ‘kids will be kids’ and there was very little they could even do. Sometimes it felt like they couldn’t see the damage that was being done.

For example, I was always the quiet kid, but I was confident enough and had lots of friends. That was until high school. I went to three high schools and was bullied at all of them. It made me feel like it wasn’t just a coincidence. There had to be something the matter with me. Why else would these unrelated groups of kids be singling me out and picking on me? I never got a reason as it was always physical. They never called me names or anything so the ‘sticks and stones’ thing people say didn’t really help.

I was hit in the head almost every day by older boys, had people chasing me home, pulling my hair, kicking my ankles until they bled and scribbling on my face with marker pen. They would shove me over so that I fell into the garden’s of strangers who just watched as if nothing was happening. I was shoved against walls, accused of being a pregnant slut and of being a drug dealer. They would try and get me to fight them. One time, they threatened to kill me. These were not happy times.

I remember, the adults used to say, oh enjoy high school, they’re the best times of your life and when you leave you’ll be wishing to go back. Yeah, right. Teachers used to try and give me advice. The most obvious one was ‘ignore them’. This did nothing. I tried standing up for them once. Well, I was terrified. All I managed to do was slap someone’s arm. This made things worse. If there is something I am proud of though, it is how, I never let them make me cry.

But still, it got quite bad and my friends started being targeted, just for hanging out with me. That’s when I started going round on my own and I’m still wary of people to this day even though I know I have no reason to be. I was just unlucky. But the damage has been done, and no matter what I tell myself, I am still the anxious awkward loner that I am today. Some days are better than others of course but I fear I’ll never be able to be as socially happy as I want to be. (Is socially happy even a term, or did I just make that up?)

On the other hand, everything I’ve been through has made me the person I am today and I don’t think I’m that bad. If anything, I’m stronger than I used to be and I’ve been able to give younger friends going through similar things some quite good advice. And nowadays, I don’t hold any grudges.The people who bullied me might be doing really well for themselves. They might be really nice people now. Who knows? These things did happen quite a number of years ago now and to quote The Lion King –  the past can hurt. But you can either run from it, or learn from it.

Apologies. This was quite a personal entry but I haven’t been able to talk about my experiences to anyone and it didn’t feel right keeping it all bottled inside after all these years. And as you may know, I express myself much better through writing than talking about things. If anyone wants to chat about similar experiences, I’m happy to help out. I know how lost these sorts of things can make a person feel but always remember, you’re not alone.

Love,

Amy x

P.S. Debating whether or not to actually post this….oh, who cares. Publish

Apologies

I know it’s not Xmas any more but I found this and it made me laugh. A letter from me to Santa, written in 2005. Being 13, I normally wouldn’t have bothered but this was a piece of English homework, so it had to be done. I’m glad I did it. Anyway, here goes…

Dear Santa

I am writing to let you know what I would like for Christmas. I have been quite a good girl this year although not as good as last year. This year I don’t think you should eat to many mince pies as you are getting a bit big. Weren’t you supposed to be a little elf who wore blue all the time? You must be angry at the coca cola company for turning you red. How do you get around without being seen?

I know this year hasn’t been a very good year but I have done well at school and have got two praise sheets. I’ve nearly finished my Christmas shopping and even bought the cats a stocking. I do the washing up nearly every night and try my best to keep my room tidy. When you come round this Christmas I will make sure my room is neat and I will try to be in bed by one o’clock in the morning. I would try to get to sleep earlier but my friend Nyssa is staying over and we could stay up all night chatting about nonsense and having pillow/teddy fights.

This year I would like: an MP3 player; my own tub of Twiglets; chocolate and some slipper socks. For Christmas my brother would like me to shut up so please can you ignore him. I cant stay quiet on Xmas. In return I will give you some biscuits and a glass of milk. Also I will give Rudolph a carrot fresh from our fridge. I will be even better behaved next year so next Christmas can I also have a CD that I’m going to want.

Please try to remember that on Xmas eve I will be round my mums and so you might need to come and deliver some presents early. Thank you and merry Xmas!

Yours Sincerely,

Amy.

 

Erm, yeah, I have nothing more to say about this.

One of those days

What do you do to cheer yourself up after one of those days?

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 You know the ones I mean. When every little thing goes wrong. For example; one of those days where your alarm wakes you up from an amazing dream that you can’t get back to. One of those days, you wake up to the news that you did rather badly in an assignment. One where you print off some work, go to collect it only to find it’s not there and there’s no time left to find a computer and print it off again. A day when you have no motivation so you just sit in class feeling completely blank, not able to concentrate, you stare out the window, you try and be interested in what everyone’s saying but it’s going in one ear and out the other. You wish you could actually get on with some proper writing only you have no ideas, so you go on Sims and make sim versions of The Avengers just because you can. You’ve wasted an hour now, there’s no getting it back. You call yourself a proper writer?

But then I remember, that none of these things are even important. I’m stupid and self-absorbed if I let them annoy me. There’s such horrible things going on in the world and I am lucky to have such a good life.

So, with my new perspective, I twist everything around. I write about the amazing dream, wondering where it will lead. I forget the work I should have printed off, I now have an extra week to work on it. I put on some brilliant music to give myself some energy and motivation. Later, I’m sure I will appreciate my Avenger sims and realise that they were fun to make and that any time wasted doing something you enjoyed was not time wasted at all. I remember every happy conversation, every passing smile and laughs that came out of today and realise that perhaps this was not a bad day after all. Why not focus on the good little things for a change? 

Oh, and as I mentioned The Avengers…hehehe

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Omigosh, what the hell am I going to do!?

If this is you, stop! Take a breath, go ommmmmmmm. Still with me?

This was me a couple of months back. I thought I would share my train of thoughts on how I stopped panicking. I had been worried about what to do after university for ages. I was even considering staying on and studying at postgrad, not because I thought it would help my career but simply because I was too scared to leave.

But after seventeen years of education, I’ve had enough! I need to get out of the classroom, get my head out of the books and actually get some proper work experience. I do have a little experience already in a wide range of things and although it didn’t seem like much at the time, looking back, I see now that every little helped. I’ve worked in a kitchen, done a few charity shop shifts (not many but hey, at least I sort of know how to use a till now), mentoring (online and in-person), radio presenting, weeding (harder than it sounds, I’ve only done it a couple of times but being out for hours in the hot sun = phew!), and I’ve had experience in first aid and working with kids. Perhaps I could use these to my advantage somehow.

My advice to people also struggling would be to look at every little thing they’ve done and you’ll see that you’ve done so much more than you originally thought. Make a list if you want. I do love a good list. Personally, I was worried because I felt so inexperienced, like I hadn’t done anything at all. But actually, I have a little experience in lots of areas and I will have learned something in every one of these experiences.

What don’t I want to do? I don’t want to stay on in full time education. In the future, I may do a part time course but for now, no more! It’s becoming way too stressful. Learning used to be fun. I don’t want to get a job that I’ll hate or be stuck in which is why I’m being very selective about where I’m applying to. Maybe it’ll take longer to find somewhere and even though these choices aren’t permanent, they’re still important. I need to take my time, but not too much time. I don’t want to be unemployed for ages and ages.

My advice in this area would be to keep your mind open and think outside the box. I bet there’s hundreds of amazing jobs out there that hardly anyone’s ever heard of. I’m just going to keep digging.

In the meantime, no panicking. I’m not so worried anymore. Even though none of my applications so far have been successful. All I can do is keep trying and I know I’ll find my place somewhere. It might just take a while.

Feeling Nostalgic

I’m in a particularly nostalgic mood today. Just been thinking about how lucky I’ve been to have such a great childhood. Sure, there were bad times, everyone has those, but the good times far outweighed the bad ones and for this, I am so grateful. I put it down to having such a wonderful family who I love to bits!  I also grew up in such a great place. By saying this next thing, I’m really not helping the Norfolk stereotype of everyone living on farms, but yes, technically I grew up on a farm. It wasn’t ours, we just happened to live in the bungalow on the farm. There weren’t any animals either, apart from some cows a couple minutes down the road which made the place smell bad sometimes.

Some of my best memories are of playing outside in the barnyard and fields. It was such a fun place to live in. I think it probably contributed to the vivid imagination I have today. I could easily spend hours out there, even if I was on my own, going off on imaginary adventures. I remember it snowed one day, and I wanted to  play but for some reason no-one else wanted to come with me. So I packed a bag full of pencils, paper and food supplies and went off pretending I was an explorer. I climbed to the top of this large mound of dirt and pretended it was a mountain. After enjoying the view, I jumped off. It was much higher than I had expected and the snow below was actually quite thin spread so I ended up going splat into the concrete. Luckily, I only got scrapes but I remember being more annoyed that I had grazed the plastic on my Eeyore pencil case. Still a great adventure!

Also, confession time. I may regret admitting this but I once spent a whole afternoon by myself roaming the garden and the fields playing Digimon. I had one of those toy digivices which have that inbuilt pedometer and so you only get battles if you’re on the move. Actually, I have two digvices (yes I still have them, only one works now as one sustained quite a nasty drop.)

Of course, I usually wasn’t by myself. Usually I played games with my little brother, Billy. We would go to this magical world where if you took your toys and teddies, they would come to life. Billy never wanted to play magical girly games though so I ended up inventing all these more boyish games for us to play – we would watch the cars go past our house and try to guess which colour the next one would be, pretending we were watching a car race; we would play Pokémon and take in turns to play the Pokémon and the trainer. I even tried wrestling but I just liked to invent the different characters rather than the play fighting aspect of it. That was more big brother, Robert’s department.

The shape of our house was awesome too because you could stand at one end of the garden and throw a football over the roof to the other person standing at the other end of the garden. It was fun until the ball got stuck in the huge jungle of a conniver hedge. Seriously, I got annoyed for ages because I lost my brand new football in there and we never ever found it.

I could talk for days about childhood memories but I have a lot of work to be getting on with. Remembering the past can be fun, but we mustn’t forget to focus on the present too.

Brilliant Books

Book nerd alert! I felt like writing about the books I’m reading right now. In class, we’re always told to write a journal of what we read and I am yet to do so. This is kind of a journal so I’ll just type away and do some reviewing and recommending of books I am reading now or have read recently.

Harry Potter – not a series I’ve read recently but as it’s my favourite book series of all time and I’m writing about books I recommend, I couldn’t leave this one out! Was a little obsessed with these when I was younger and have now read each at least five times. Being aimed at kids, the first three do have quite a simple and child friendly tone but they do mature in later books. My favourite is the Half Blood Prince even though for some reason that’s my least favourite film. I can’t help but compare the books to their film counterparts. It was the film I watched first. I read Chamber of Secrets when I was nine-ish because I wanted to know what happened next. Next thing you know, I’m hooked. Then there was a brief moment of time when I became indifferent again, but then after Dad bought me the fifth book with a token I won at a school celebrations evening, I became hooked once again and still am a huge fan. I probably know too much Harry Potter trivia, it’s unhealthy. The seventh book is the only book I have ever waited in line at midnight to get. So yeah, I recommend it. It’s not the best technically written book ever but it’s one of the most vivid and fleshed out worlds I have ever visited via the page.

Lord of the Rings – I haven’t actually finished this one and when I started reading this, I thought it was going to be too difficult and boring. Then I got into it and it’s actually alright. Like Harry Potter, I do have a tendency to compare it to the film. I read parts – like the Tom Bombadil scenes – and imagine how interesting it would’ve been to see this done on screen. If I remember rightly, the hobbits nearly get eaten by trees or something. I also enjoy reading little pieces of information about hobbit life and character family backgrounds that I don’t think are in the films. After reading the book, I find I appreciate the film a lot more.

The Hobbit – Admittedly, I’m getting a little bored of this one. It is the only book where I’ve enjoyed the film more. Sometimes I think I read too many books that have been turned into films but it’s probably because as well as being a book nerd, I’m such a film nerd too. Basically, I just love stories. 

Inkheart – Hooray, a book I’ve read, that’s been turned into a film, with me not having seen this film. I don’t really want to either. The book was so beautiful and really brought the characters to life for me. I don’t want to watch the film and have the characters I imagine in my head to be replaced by the film versions. I find this has happened with Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit. Not so much in Harry Potter.

Harry Potter again – In H.P, I imagine some characters as the film versions but others I have my own imagining of. The settings I imagine as I read are basically the same as in the film though. Characters I imagine differently are, Harry, Ron and Hermione. There are little things as well like, I imagine Tonks with the short bubblegum pink hair and Dudley Dursley as this huge blonde boy aaaand, in my head, all the adult characters are much younger (recently realised that Harry’s parents actually died at the age of 21, always knew but didn’t really sink in how young that was until I reached that age.) Anyway, Harry I imagine as being this really skinny pale kid with messy black hair and bright green eyes. Hermione isn’t as pretty as Emma Watson and Ron is this tall freckly boy.

Right, I was going to go on and write about Sherlock Holmes next but I’ve written too much anyway and I really don’t think any of this is actually what the tutors meant when they say we have to write a journal of writing influences e.t.c. Better go and do something productive with my day off (apparently there’s a strike).

See you,

Amy

xxxx